There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
Everyone threw up but him. I took off my shirt because I puked on it. There were also a lot of drag queens involved.
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
i think the sex is so good because i get a contact high just from fucking him
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
how do i act around someone who's shoes i puked in while naked and blackout?
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
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