i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
Ben's a prick.
What Ben are you talking about?
All the bens across all the lands
That's what happens when you let Keystone Light make your decisions.
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
It was rocky mountain showdown of course we got shitfaced and talked about eating buffaloes
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
I mean the power was out what was I supposed to do
Randomize
