i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
Well he's a 33 year old furniture salesman that picked up at 19 year old buying a bedroom set for her room. I can see how that would be awkward
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
Did body shots with a guy... Ended up being the ref of my volleyball game... So that's why we won
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
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