this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
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