I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
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