Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
Randomize
