i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
im using the astroglide sample u sent me as a bookmark for the book im using to write my midterm paper. i need to get laid. bad.
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
He passed out mid-signature
how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
If his smile makes you freak out and drop things imagine what his penis could do
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
Randomize
