Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
its officail im naming my first born child brickbreaker
17 Inappropriate Things People Did With Instruments
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
These 25 Drunks Should’ve Gotten Cut Off A Long Time Ago
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
Rebecca hasn't has this number in 3 months. Please tell all her friends to stop calling at 3 am. We are not interested in buying or selling drugs nor do we want to hook up with anyone. You all need to go to rehab.
It got weird I got a phone call while looking at porn and the video started playing while on the phone full on porn audio.