I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
I would like to formally reclaim my title of a turn up queen.
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
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