peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
So the weirdest part of it all was he whispered in my ear "can i eat you out on your tredmill?" I dont find him attractive at all anymore
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
It's rum buckets o'clock
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone