I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
I walked out in my coconut bra, and that's when it all went downhill.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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