I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
the liver wants what the liver wants
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
Yeah probably not. I have a hair appt, a gun class, and hopefully a boy to fuck. I'm booked.
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
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