don't get me wrong, i like my boss a lot, but not enough to not bang his daughter
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
THEY HAVE VIAGRA FLAVORED GELATO
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
He just kept repeating "not with an octopus" over and over for hours. Soooooo Porn Dare was a succes.
He wanted me to strip for him. I told him that we aren't at that serious of a fuck buddy relationship yet
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
Randomize
