It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
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