I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
Her life must suck. All she's got is "Miss Shamrock" WHICH SHE LOST!
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
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