walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
I feel awful
Physically or morally
Physically. The only immoral thing I did was steal money from strippers while they gave me lapdances.
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
Randomize
