i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
All semester I have been trying to figure out if this kid in front of me is gay. His cell phone just went off with Britney's "Circus". Case closed.
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
I just wanna go home jackoff, eat chicken fingers, drink beer, play halo and go to bed. I'm sick of this shitty school, the shitty kids and having to fucking teach them.
Randomize
