The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
And then I'm going to yell into her vagina and see if it echoes
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
yeah, its right past the deli mart where i showed my right tit for mozzarella sticks.
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
You missed the winter stoner olympics last night....I got the gold in blunt rolling
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
I can't say too many people would say watching their drunk best friends fuck in a hot tub is very normal.
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
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