Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
Not sure. All I know is that she has a tight dark green skirt and I will not rest until I have used my teeth to rip it off of her
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
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