I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
I'm graduating college in 4 days. I already miss the bad decisions
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
Randomize
