it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
He was doing push ups, crunches and jogging in place in front of the restaurant. I'm not too sure I want to eat there if it requires immediate exercise following the meal.
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
when it says do not use on the face or genital areas, it MEANS do not use on the face or genital areas.
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
Randomize
