You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
FridayRule: If it takes you longer than 5 minutes to find a parking spot, you don't have class today
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
I'm pretty sure my therapist gave me the green light to fuck him.
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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