Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
i drank out of a bidet.
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
I saw the attitude and didn't even try. Line of the night from one guy who talked with them for a while said, "I don't meet you standards. I have a job and would treat you well." She was blank faced.
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
Kid got so high from the brownies he forgot his own name. Welcome to college.
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
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