why doesnt he love me? i have tried everything. i even sang to him after sex.
you have got to be kidding?
i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
Are we still banned from the library?
Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again.
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
Randomize
