Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
So I figured it out. There's two types of shitters. Moaners and grunters. And on occasion there's a third. It's the ill fabled grunt moaner.
Randomize
