I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
Well if I fail my finals for being drunk on Cinco De Mayo there is always next year to graduate.
You said that last year...
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
I wonder if go pro can customize a cock ring so I don't have to hold the camera anymore
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
Randomize
