I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
when i woke up this morning i blew my nose and ash came out.. i'm not sure what to make of this.
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
Pencil dick carries the name proudly.
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
in fetal position in his closet not sure if he knows im here... hugging his spongebob cake pan i stole.... now please come find me..
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
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