you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
We did it and he fell asleep and I was bored so I decided to go back to the party...is that bad?
life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
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