i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
Sarah Palin just got hired for Fox News. Watch out Jersey Shore... there's a new drinking game in town
She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
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