i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
Just got up.... With the club stamp on my ass.... How did it got there????
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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