The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
Even my vagina gasped.
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
This Alex the guy who suck your belly ring
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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