my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
A 20 minute car ride back to your car with the girl u had drunk anal with is the most uncomfortable thing ever.
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
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