What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
ra ra ra ah ah
wtf?
sexting lady gaga style
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
This is actually a pretty big deal for him. I mean, he contacted a stranger out of concern for someone else instead of for sex.
That does show growth.
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
I think my body is a cloud. This mixture of things is heavenly. Dare was wrong, drugs are awesome.
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
She started crying because the Rugrats grew up
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