I just didn't expect you to be so naked....
Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
I've noticed we have slowly begun to phase the "B" out of our Bromance.
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
Randomize
