at FSU your more likely to get an STD than a parking spot
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
this boner is exhausting
I'm sorry but all I really read was "my nipples will get hard."
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
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