matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
dude just tell them you don't wear clothes. they'll understand
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Randomize
