remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
In other news I saw a pack of make believe zombies walking down green st.
gotta love wednesdays
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
I am not a whore. I just wanted casual drinking, monogamous sex and occasional McDonald's runs.
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