first off, his name is dougie. strike one.
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
He wanted to take a picture with our pizza to show his mom that I was pretty but more importantly that he practices in "sober" activities
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
My dads not up on pop culture but he's not dumb enough to believe your 2 girls 1 cup reference at dinner was from the bible.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
We fucked to the rythmn of the thunder, it was magical
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
My vagina is screaming your name . Wtf did you do to it
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
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