Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
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