im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
25 People Share How They Got Out Of Their Longest Dry Spell
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
I was just compiling a top 5 blowjobs list and that's in there for sure.
I wore a leash I'll tell you about it later I had a fantastic time
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
21 People Confess Their Craziest Online Dating Experience
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
I just spent 20 mins in the shower washing n rewashing my body to get rid of stripper. I even loofa'd my face.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.