don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
1. I feel like Jello 2. The girl i hooked up with last night isn't here and a different girl is lying next to me. 3. I have no clothes on 4. Can guys go on walks of shame?
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
Randomize
