i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
Soooo my gf got the droid and doesn't have BBM anymore, I think its over for her
call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
Randomize
