I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
Randomize
