We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
I wanted to google "huge banana" but I'm pretty sure all I'd get is dick pictures.
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
Go forth my little lesbian, get your gayme on
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
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