she takes plan B like it's going out of style
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
Somehow ed fucked carrie while purposely not saying a single word to her all night. He just nodded and smiled.
Would it have been easier if he talked to her?
Yeah, but i bet him he couldn't do it. Now he gets a free taco bell combo of his choosing.
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
Randomize
