and im sitting here waiting for them to work on my car. in a room full of men. that are too old for me. its like a sausage fest nightmare...
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
Randomize
