I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
You need Xanax blowdarts
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
If I had your ass I would rule the world
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
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