we are all sexual creatures
yea maybe. but you're not. you're not getting any.
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
Less talking, more tequila
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
Randomize
