It was confusing and full of hummus
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
I must say your penis is just as photogenic as you
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
dude the last time we saw him was 2 nights ago when he was yelling that the trees were naked or some shit then he ran into the forest. I think its time for a search party
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
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