my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
I feel like i'm in "To Catch a Predator - The Musical"
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
I used the word aforementioned in my paper. That's an automatic A in community college.
Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
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