i wish starbucks made bloody marys
Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
Randomize
