The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
I feel like i'm in "To Catch a Predator - The Musical"
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
Pavlovs bj experiment 2012. Welcome to the program.
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
Randomize
