You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
Randomize
