My Higher Power is John Stamos
Just passed a sign for an "adult food and fuel superstore". Wtf does that even mean?
im not sure but a few things come to mind which just makes me giggle
Guys should not giggle. Ever.
yeah i just made her a character on oregon trail and i hope she gets dysentry and dies. that'll show her.
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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