I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
2011 senior yearbook drinking game. we're taking a shot whenever some dumbass uses that quote about how life isn't isn't about the breaths you take, but the moments that take your breath away. also that retarded wayne gretzky one about missing shots you don't take.
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize
