Dude my mom stole all your condoms
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
My dad just said "fuck circus"
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
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