did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
Just met a female bro. Things are weird at the rugby party.
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
Exactly. So you're exempt under the "I can't just fuck her to make it go away" clause of 2010.
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
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