Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
Well just watched a guy puke in a trash can then proceed to pick pizza outta said trash can and eat it
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
Randomize
