I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
i no longer feel bad for not doin my schoolwork. im watching a porn in french. this MUST qualify as studying.
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
I was fucking trucked by the swat team last night on State Street after UK won. But I got a picture with the guy afterwards so I forgive him
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
please come back. it's turned into strip rock paper scissors
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
Randomize
