I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
You came on the chandelier from the first floor.. Of course were allowed back
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
I enjoy the level of friendship we have achieved until you ask me to determine what may or may not be gentile warts via iphone pic
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
