I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
giving him head while hes talking to his fiancee on the phone about inviting me to their wedding.... im invited. should i go or would that be wrong?
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
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It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
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I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
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