at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
you told grandpa to call you daddy
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
I know. His dick was small at the top and got bigger at the bottom, like a fucking curling wand.
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
Randomize
