I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
she's an english major so her sexts are something i look forward to
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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